Be Still My Fickle Heart!

I've been thinking a lot lately, about the desires of my heart.
I want to feel happy.  I want to be comfortable.
I want my stomach to be full of good food, I want to be fit without exercising, I want Leiney's Summer Shandy to be available year round,  I want to be settled in a nice, big house with a big yard and a bathroom for every bedroom... plus an extra one.  I want my husband to know exactly what I'm thinking at all times and to respond appropriately, I don't want to share my popcorn, I want my children to live (in their own homes) right next door to me. I want my grandsons to prefer me over every other person in their life.  I want my friends to laugh at all my jokes and I don't want them to like anyone else but me.  I don't want to look as old as I am, I wish that I was 4 inches shorter, and I wish that I didn't have to wear glasses to see clearly. I really wish that I wouldn't have spent so much time frying myself in baby oil at the beach when I was a kid, and I wouldn't mind having my younger body back... you know, the body that I used to think was fat and out of shape!  Basically, I want to do what I want, when I want, with whoever I want, and look great doing it.

I'd be lying if I said these things didn't cross my mind now and then, and I'm a bit ashamed to say that I've most likely vocalized each one of them at some time.  But are they REALLY desires of my heart?

I want people to know their Creator.  I want every one to be saved by grace, I want every person to know that God loves them, whether they believe in Him or not.  I want the children who are abused every day to be held, and hugged and to feel safe.  I want their abusers to be held and hugged and to feel safe.  I wish that there were not any hungry or homeless people in this world. I wish that children didn't get bullied.   I want the love that I've experienced from God, to grow stronger so that I can love every person I meet with His kind of love.  I want to know God more, to experience His presence.   I wish that I understood more of a good God who allows sadness and pain and suffering and evil to continue.  I wish people understood, that despite it sometimes not making any sense... God exists and that He IS good.  I know that evil and sin do not come from Him and I wish everyone knew that.  I want to love my enemies.  I want my friends and family to know that my love for them is profound, regardless of differences and distance that might be between us.  I wish that I could love, all the time, like Jesus loves.  I wish that all of us who call ourselves Christians really did behave like "little Christ's". I want to pray for those who are still far from God,  I want to pray for those who have no desire to know God.  I want people to see Jesus in me, I want to be someone who's obvious priority is to be like, and most of all, love like Jesus.

These things cross my mind as well...  they REALLY are the desires of my heart.  So what's the difference?  I still think about all those other things I mentioned first... those things I'm a bit ashamed of.

The struggle lies not with wanting to be happy and comfortable.
The struggle is with knowing what, and Who, exactly... will bring that happiness and comfort.
God  does want to give us the desires our heart... but they need to be desires that are ultimately for our own...and the greater good.  God really is the only One who knows that.

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers - most of which are never seen - don't you think  He'll attend to  you, take pride in you, do his best for you?  What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving.  People who don't know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how He works.  Steep your life in God-reality, God initiative, God-provisions.  Don't worry about missing out.  You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.  Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.  God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."  
Matthew 6:30-34 (The Message)

Dear Lord, make the desires of my heart, the desires of Your heart.  Amen.
P.S.  You do like Summer Shandy don't you?

He Believes in You

God believes in you.

"Just because it's cliche', doesn't mean it's not true" - Kurt, on "Glee"

Quite a few years ago my sister and I were having a conversation.  "You've always believed in God" she said. No. Something like  "You've always been curious about God"  would be a statement that is much closer to the truth.  I've believed for quite a few years now, but it hasn't always been that way.  My entire life up to this moment has been a journey toward recognizing that God is very real and very interested in me. The recent years have found me longing to be more like Him, to see like He does, to feel like He does, to love like He does.  I know now, that His way is better than mine.

Last night I watched an episode of a favorite TV show of mine "Glee".  A majority of the show was seen from the perspective of one of the main characters, Kurt, a young man with intense talent, a caring and compassionate personality. He is gay and has endured unimaginable suffering because of it.  In this episode, his dad was gravely ill.  Kurt made it very clear, when some of his friends tried to comfort him, that he had absolutely no interest in, and was frankly angry about the idea that there is a God who loves him.  As I watched this young man's suffering and sadness my heart was heavy.  So many people think and feel just like Kurt... and can I blame them? 

There is precious little evidence of people who, myself included, say they want to be like Jesus, but aren't actually BEING like Jesus.  The worldly view of Christianity is so skewed because it is colored by people like me, who despite saying we follow Jesus, don't always do it, we pick and choose.  We say we don't judge other people, but our tone, our demeanor, our attitude and our actions scream that we do.  We say that we love people, but our choices and priority's prove that we don't.  We say that we know Jesus, but the truth is we actually don't.  I want to be like Jesus, the cry of my heart is that I can love like He loves.  I say that I can love the sinner while hating the sin... and by His grace, it's true... I am closer to doing that than I ever have been.  I spent so many years judging myself, and so, others... it's tough to fight the temptation of falling back into that pattern. I have a long way to go.  I am so grateful that I don't have to go it alone.

My heart ached as I watched "Glee" last night.  So many people think and feel just like Kurt.    

Jesus said that everyone who looks for Him will find Him.  My prayer today is that you will look for Him.  

Procrastinators Anonymous

My blog is on my mind frequently... not that you'd know it from the blog itself.  I just read my very first blogpost and apparently I am none of the mentioned blogger types!  I need to add to the list  "The Procrastinator" spends more time thinking about blogging than actually doing it.   Then I can put my name in the numero uno position.
Some things never seem to change.  I've been a procrastinator for as long as I can remember.  My Kolbe assessment tells me that I will definitely get things done, but not without a deadline... and the deadline needs to be set by someone other than myself... otherwise I'll just change the deadline!   What I've learned over the years is that I need to surround myself, not with people like me, but with those who have the gifts I don't.  Put any given group of people together, and I'll most likely end up being the leader.  I have a gift for encouraging people, for motivating them to discover their strengths and I have a knack for seeing the big picture.  I'm a visionary and dreaming (with a plan of course!!) excites me.  But without the people who can flesh out the details, see the things that I would never see, and set the deadlines... my visions would never come to fruition.
Right now I'm not only procrastinating on my blog... I'm procrastinating on my life.
"Bloom where you're planted" has always been something I've striven to do... but there's not much blooming going on today.
Is striven even a word?
until next time...